


Ibitsu

by idiotchosen (Seira_g)



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Blood, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2019-06-03 03:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15148637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seira_g/pseuds/idiotchosen
Summary: "The last time Zelos had seen such red snow had been in his nightmares."Lloyd is seriously injured in battle, and while he fights for his life, Zelos is forced to confront his true feelings on their relationship.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Whoa, another fic in less than a year? And it's multi-chapter!? 
> 
> Angst really is what I feel most comfy writing, so don't expect anything too fluffy here. Although, then again, you should have seen that coming from the description. Anyways, this is pretty much just me writing the kind of fic I want to read, seeing as this is pretty much my favorite trope in fanfiction. Which trope? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

            The last time Zelos had seen such red snow had been in his nightmares.

            As he ran at top speed towards his companion, who had collapsed about 20 feet away, nothing felt real to him. As far as he knew, he was in a dream—no, a nightmare. There was no possible way that he was really witnessing such a horrific sight. Any minute now, he would awaken in some inn, sweating in fear, and Lloyd would be there to—

            _Lloyd._

The smell of blood filled the air, and it snapped Zelos back to reality. Looking frantically around at his surroundings, making absolutely sure that the last of the enemies had been eradicated, he fell to his knees next to Lloyd, who was lying on the cold ground, blood seeping into the pure white snow around him. His eyes were screwed shut in a pained expression, and both of his hands were placed over a specific spot on his abdomen, stained in red. His trademark jacket was dyed an even deeper crimson than usual.

            The enemies they had just dispatched hadn’t been particularly strong, but weariness from a long day of traveling combined with the shock of a surprise attack from behind had left the two swordsmen completely overwhelmed. Zelos had managed to take out the leader, a massive wolf-type creature neither of them had ever seen before, but one of the underlings had snuck up behind Lloyd and wounded him—fairly severely, Zelos grimly noted as he examined his friend’s condition. Aside from the huge gash in his side, there were a number of claw marks all over his body, all of which were oozing blood. Noticing that Zelos was by his side, Lloyd opened his eyes and smiled weakly.

            “…Did we get ‘em?” he asked, his voice strained. Zelos nodded wordlessly. “That’s good. Are you okay? Did you get hurt anywhere?”

            “Now’s not the time to worry about me,” Zelos responded. He still felt like he was a million miles away from the situation, lost in a web of his own traumatic memories as they blended together with the scene in front of him. The snow was so red; everything was so _red._ Just like that time, when his mother had—

            _Died._

_She died._

Realization hit Zelos all at once. Lloyd was bleeding out in front of him, shivering from blood loss and the cold. Just like his mother. Which meant…

            Lloyd was going to die.

            And Zelos would be forced to watch.

            Again.

            “Zelos…” it wasn’t until Lloyd said his name, voice barely risen above a whisper, that he was brought back to reality again. A bloodstained hand was lifted up and brushed lightly against his cheek. “Are you… crying…?”

            “W-what are you talking about, bud?” Zelos tried to force a laugh. That was it; that was all he could do: laugh, and hope the situation would solve itself somehow.

            _Whatever will be will be, right?_

            Lloyd opened his mouth to respond, but instead of words, a nasty cough escaped from his lips, and blood trickled out from the corners of his mouth. Rationally, Zelos knew that that was a bad sign, and that he needed to do something. And yet, his body refused to move the way he wanted it to. All he could bring himself to do was clasp Lloyd’s trembling hand in his own.

            “Zelos… I… I don’t think I’m gonna…”

            “Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Lloyd,” Zelos muttered, gritting his teeth in a futile attempt to stop the tears from streaming down his face. “You’re going to be fine, I-I can fix you.” As though startled by his own words, Zelos tightened his grip on Lloyd’s hand. That was right. He wasn’t the scared five-year-old boy that he had been last time. He knew basic healing magic, and while it wasn’t anywhere near the level of a trained healer, it was a hell of a lot better than nothing. Newfound determination rising up inside of him, Zelos began muttering the incantation for Healing Wind. Over and over again, he repeated the words, a gentle warmth enveloping both of them. But Lloyd showed little reaction to the spell, turning his head to the side and hacking up even more blood.

            “It’s not… gonna be enough,” Lloyd whispered. “Zelos, I-I think they poisoned me. I feel really weird.”

            “Th-that’s fine,” Zelos said, unsure of who he was trying to reassure more. “We still have panacea bottles, right?” Lloyd shook his head.

            “We… used the last one earlier today.” His voice was getting quieter with each word, and it seemed to be getting harder for him to keep his eyes open. “Zelos, I… I don’t want to die.”

            “You’re not going to die!” Zelos shouted through his tears. He would say it over and over again, if that was what it took to make those words come true. “You’re not,” he repeated softly. But Lloyd didn’t hear it at all, as his eyes finally shut, his hand falling from Zelos’s tear-stained face.

            Zelos knew he couldn’t just sit around anymore. Lloyd was drawing closer to death with every idle moment he spent, and he wasn’t going to let that happen. He wasn’t going to lose another person he cared about.

            This time, for sure, he would save him.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's another short chapter, I'm sorry. It's been so long since I wrote a multi-chapter fic, I need to get back into the swing of things, I guess. Hopefully things will start picking up after this, both in word count and the plot.

They were trapped.

Zelos realized this with a harsh shudder. His first thought had been that he needed to pull out the Rheairds and carry Lloyd to safety, to someone who knew more about healing than he did. But as he looked around, he understood why that would be a horrible idea. The snow, which had already been falling at a steady rate earlier that day, was now whipping past him, to the point where all he could see was white. If he tried to pilot a Rheaird in these conditions, he risked crashing and injuring Lloyd even further, to say nothing of himself. 

But then, what could he do? Leaving Lloyd in the snow wasn’t a particularly welcome alternative, not with the way he was shivering. Even if it was just until the snowstorm passed, Zelos knew that his best option would be to find some sort of makeshift shelter. But to do that, he would have to get moving, and fast. 

“I’m gonna pick you up Lloyd,” he said, unsure of whether the boy could even hear him or not. “It might hurt, but you’ve just got to deal with it, okay?” With exaggerated care, Zelos lifted Lloyd up and somehow managed to position him so that he could ride on his back. Lloyd let out a harsh gasp, and groaned. “I know, I know…” Zelos muttered, as though he could somehow comfort his friend. Still, Zelos took the sounds coming from Lloyd as a good sign. It was better than Lloyd going completely silent, and he knew it. 

Without wasting any more time, Zelos began to move. He took slow, careful steps, so that he wouldn’t jostle Lloyd too much. As he walked, he strained his eyes against the snow, searching desperately for a spot where they could set up camp. The entire time, he muttered words of encouragement, assuming for his own sake that Lloyd could hear him. But it was hard to ignore how shallow Lloyd’s breaths were in his ear, how uncomfortably warm his body was becoming against his back.

He walked for what felt like hours, but was really probably only around 10 minutes, until finally he saw a glimmer of hope out of the corner of his eye. It was the small entrance to a cave in the side of one of Flanoir’s mountains. With newfound determination, Zelos pressed forward. 

The cave itself wasn't very big-- there was barely enough room for the two of them, plus some extra room where Zelos decided to build a fire. He didn't know how long they were going to be stuck there, he reasoned, so he wanted to at least try and keep Lloyd comfortable. He propped Lloyd up so that his back was up against the wall, and sat down beside him, allowing his head to fall neatly onto his shoulder.

“If you wanted to get so close to me, you didn’t have to go through all the trouble,” he joked, half-heartedly. It was all he could do to keep himself sane in such a dire situation, after all. If he could keep his mask on, then maybe he could convince himself that things were alright. And when Lloyd woke up (which he would, Zelos continued to insist) there was no question that he would rather see Zelos with that dumb grin on his face than the tight frown he was currently sporting. The boy had always been a worrier, after all.

But it was hard to continue with such a meaningless conversation when there was no one to play the straight man, to roll his eyes and tell him he was being an idiot. Zelos sighed, and went to brush some of Lloyd’s hair out of his face. But as soon as he made contact with Lloyd’s skin, he recoiled. Lloyd was absolutely burning up. Panicking, Zelos turned Lloyd’s face towards his own, and noticed just how flushed his skin was, sweat gathering in droplets on his forehead despite how cold it was. Lloyd had mentioned being poisoned, and it looked to Zelos like the effects of it were starting to kick in. He also noticed that his shivering had only increased since they arrived in the cave, despite his high temperature.

Zelos wasn’t unfamiliar with how to treat a fever-- he had faint memories of being treated for minor illnesses himself as a child, back in Meltokio, as well as watching the maids and butlers fuss over Seles during some of his visits. But doing so in the middle of nowhere, with minimal supplies? That was going to be the hard part.

Zelos rifled through his bag in search of anything that could possibly help him. Inside, he found a blanket, some rags, and a water bottle. It wasn’t much, but it was going to have to do for the time being. He moved Lloyd so that he was lying down on his back, then draped the blanket over him. Then he poured a small amount of the water onto one of the rags. Gently, he wiped the cool cloth against Lloyd’s face, wiping off the remnants of the blood he had coughed up earlier. Lloyd let out a low moan as he brushed it against his forehead. He then pulled out another of the rags, this time folding it up and laying it on top of Lloyd’s forehead. If nothing else, he looked more comfortable, just from that.

“Does that feel any better?” Zelos muttered, not particularly expecting an answer. Sure enough, he was met with only the sounds of Lloyd’s harsh breathing. Zelos sighed. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you think this fic was dead? Yeah, me too. It's been almost a year. But after rereading what I had so far, I realized that I don't hate it quite as much as I thought I did. So let's see how many chapters I can squeeze out before I change my mind again. I know it's another short one, but this is more of a transition chapter anyways, plus I have to get back into the groove of writing, so I went with it. Hopefully the next update will make up for it?

 

Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours, and the snow was showing no signs of letting up. Zelos continued his watch over Lloyd. His condition didn't seem to be improving, but much to Zelos’s relief, he didn't seem to be getting  _ worse _ , either. At first Zelos had continued trying to heal his injuries, but all he had accomplished was tiring himself out from the overuse of his mana. Some of the smaller wounds had closed, but the larger gash in Lloyd’s side looked no better than it had in the beginning. First Aid and Healing Wind, it seemed, weren't going to cut it.

 

Still, Zelos worked diligently to make sure that Lloyd wouldn't deteriorate more than he already had. Even though it had gotten late, and exhaustion was creeping in, he refused to let himself rest, knowing that one wrong move could spell disaster. 

 

As Zelos moved to replace the rag on Lloyd’s forehead, he heard a soft groan from his side. At first he thought it was nothing more than a hallucination, but then he noticed Lloyd’s eyelids twitching, before revealing dull, unfocused eyes. Stunned, Zelos dropped the cloth and, without thinking, grabbed Lloyd’s hand.

 

Lloyd opened his mouth to speak, but his words got caught in his throat as he coughed, a thin trickle of fresh blood falling from the corner of his mouth. “Zel…” was all he could manage.

 

“I'm right here, Bud,” Zelos whispered, wiping the blood away with the cloth he had dropped. “You don't… you don't have to talk if it hurts too much.” He smiled wearily. “I can do enough talking for both of us, you know?” Lloyd shook his head, but remained silent. “Anyways, once this storm lets up, I'm going to get you help, okay? So just rest until then.” Zelos squeezed Lloyd's hand, and Lloyd weakly squeezed back. It was the smallest of gestures, but it was irrefutable proof that Lloyd was still alive, and right now, that was all Zelos needed. There was still so much he wanted to say, so much he wished he could do for his best friend, but for now, just having the boy by his side was enough. 

 

Surprisingly, it was Lloyd who broke the silence between them. His voice was weak, barely above a whisper, and it took him a few moments to put the words together, but finally, he was able to form a sentence.

 

“Zelos… I… I trust you, okay?”

 

That short sentence was enough to make Zelos freeze up. How long had it been since he had heard those words? He could never forget the first time Lloyd had told him that, back on that cold morning in Flanoir. Those words that had brought him back from the point of no return were permanently etched into his mind, and hearing them again at a time like this was nearly enough to make him lose what little composure he still had. Lloyd had to have known the weight that phrase carried between them. 

 

Instinctively, Zelos tightened his grip on Lloyd’s hand, and repeated the thought that had been running through his head all night. “I’m not going to let you die, Lloyd. That’s a promise.” Lloyd didn’t say anything else, but put what had to have been the last of his strength into a weak, reassuring smile. His eyes fell closed yet again, his exhaustion catching back up to him. And at that moment, Zelos knew. Sitting around and waiting for the situation to improve wasn’t going to change a thing. In his current state, Lloyd would be lucky if he made it through to the end of the storm. His fever was only getting higher, and the amount of blood he had lost was alarming, to say the least. There was nothing else that Zelos, at his current skill level, could do to help him as long as they stayed in that cave.

 

Slowly, Zelos peeked out through the cave’s entrance. The snow, while it was still falling, did seem to have slowed just a bit since the last time he had checked. It was the closest that Zelos was going to get to a chance at saving Lloyd. And while the thought of flying in such dangerous conditions scared him, the thought of losing Lloyd to his own inaction was almost unbearable. 

 

There was no longer any room for hesitation. He was going to gather up their things and take Lloyd to Flanoir.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the good news is that after 2 straight days of writing nonstop, I finished writing the rest of this fic! All that's left now is to post it. I'll probably do a chapter every day until it's done.

It was so much colder outside than Zelos had been expecting. Between the harsh winds and leaving the fire behind, Zelos's teeth were chattering as soon as he stepped outside, even with Lloyd's burning hot body pressed against his back. He had given up his jacket in favor of draping it over Lloyd, who, despite his high temperature, was shivering violently. Every once in a while, if Zelos moved too abruptly, the boy would let out a pained sound, but aside from that he was completely unresponsive. Zelos found himself speaking anyways, though, just to fill that deafening silence. He wasn't accustomed to things being so quiet-- whether it was chatting to fill the time or exchanging information regarding their journey for exspheres, there was always  _ something  _ to talk about. Zelos would have given anything to hear Lloyd call him an idiot over a stupid joke, or even get angry at him for being too cynical. Anything would have been better than focusing on Lloyd's warm, uneven breaths against his ear.

 

As soon as he had a reasonable amount of space, Zelos wasted no time in pulling out his Rheaird. With one last worried glance at the sky, he climbed on, making absolutely sure that Lloyd's arms were wrapped tightly around his waist. All he could do was hope the boy would stay that way until they reached town. 

 

“I'm taking off now, so hold on, okay?” Eyes filling with determination, Zelos began his ascent. 

 

Just as he had predicted, the snow made seeing more than a few feet in front of him a difficult task, especially since it was still the middle of the night. Still, he knew he had no choice but to push through it. The one thing he was grateful for was that he knew roughly where to go. Under better conditions, the flight would have only taken around 10 minutes, but with how slowly he was forced to move, Zelos knew it would probably take at least twice as long.  _ Even 10 minutes is too long, _ Zelos thought bitterly. Lloyd had felt so light when he picked him up earlier, so fragile. His bleeding had slowed considerably while they were in the cave, but the biggest of his wounds still concerned Zelos. And his fever… Zelos had never felt anyone with such a high temperature before, and it terrified him. Lloyd was slipping away from him at a faster rate than he could have predicted. Even his breathing was growing more and more labored, stopping occasionally so that Lloyd could cough up some more blood. If it had been anyone weaker, Zelos thought, they would probably have already…

 

“You're not going to die,” Zelos muttered, his voice lost in the wind that was whipping past them. He wasn't sure who he was trying to convince anymore, but he still felt like he needed to say it. “You're going to be fine. And then we'll keep looking for exspheres together. There are still so many places we haven't visited yet. And I know you're not the type to give up halfway, right?” Zelos smiled in spite of himself. That was right. Lloyd Irving didn't know  _ how _ to give up. Which was why…

 

“I trust you too, you know,” he said, so quietly that even he couldn't hear it. “So you'd better not give up on me, Lloyd.”

 

                          _________

 

The rest of the flight felt like an eternity. Zelos didn't think he had ever been so happy to see that oversized church come into view. Without even a second of hesitation, Zelos went in for the landing, right outside of what he remembered to be the doctor’s office. Despite how late it was, there was still a small line outside of the clinic. All eyes were immediately on him as he brought the Rheaird to a complete stop. He was used to being stared at, but these were far from the stares of love and admiration he was accustomed to as the Chosen. Not that he could blame them, though-- he didn't think he had ever looked worse in his life. His clothes were stained with blood, his hair was disheveled from the flight over, and the smile he used to charm everyone he met was nowhere to be found.

 

Finally, someone spoke up. “Hey, isn't that the Chosen?” All at once, everyone in the line began talking amongst themselves.

 

“What's he doing in a place like this?” 

 

“Who is that on his back?” 

 

“That sure is a lot of blood…”

 

Zelos didn't take the time to listen to any of them. As quickly as he could, he made his way to the front of the line, where a young woman was standing. In any other situation, Zelos would have found the situation simple. With a quick smile and some charming words, he could have made his way into the clinic in an instant. But in his current panicked state, Zelos wasn't thinking about any of that. The mask he had spent so many years forming crumbled in an instant. Without a second thought, he pushed the woman aside and threw open the door to the clinic. She stared up at him, the shock apparent on her face, but he paid her no mind. For once, he didn't  _ care _ what anyone thought of him. All he could think about was getting Lloyd the help he needed.

 

Upon hearing the door slam shut, the doctor didn't turn away from the patient he was treating. “Whoever it is, you know the rules. Wait in line like everyone else.” His calm demeanor only served to bring Zelos's emotions to a boiling point. His voice shook as he responded.

 

“I don’t have time for that,” he said. “ _ Lloyd  _ doesn’t have time for that.” 

 

That got the doctor’s attention. “Lloyd? You don’t mean…” Finally, he turned around. “Well. If it isn’t the Chosen and the savior of the world,” he said flatly. If he hadn’t been Lloyd’s only hope at survival, Zelos would have knocked him out right then and there. Still, though, he forced himself to remain calm. He would  _ beg  _ if he had to, as long as it meant that his friend could get the help he needed.

 

“Please,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’ll give you as much money as you want, so  _ help him. _ ”

 

The doctor paused for a moment, taking in the situation. Finally, he seemed to make his decision, and he turned to the patient he had been treating. “I’m very sorry, but it seems we have an emergency on our hands. My assistant will give you the medicine you need, so if you’ll excuse me.” The woman, who had been staring in shock at Zelos from the moment he walked in, nodded speechlessly and hurried out. “Well, don’t just stand there. Bring him over.”

 

“Y-yeah.” Zelos was quick to comply, carrying Lloyd across the room to an empty bed and, as carefully as he could, letting him off of his back. It was the first time Zelos had gotten a good look at Lloyd’s face since boarding the Rheaird, and he nearly did a double take. Aside from the pink tint in his cheeks from the fever, the boy had become even paler than Zelos. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and aside from a slight look of discomfort, there was no expression left on his face. His entire body was wracked with violent shivering, but otherwise he was completely motionless. He looked far worse than he had even an hour earlier. Zelos cursed under his breath, and turned to face the doctor, whose expression had grown far more serious upon taking in Lloyd’s condition.

 

“...I think it would be better if you left for the time being,” he said after a moment, his eyes not leaving his patient. Zelos felt his heart sink, but remained where he stood. “I won’t be able to do anything with you standing here. Assuming there’s anything left I can do.”

 

“...And just leave him alone?” Zelos  _ really _ didn’t like the sound of that. Lloyd had always been there for Zelos when he needed him, so how could he possibly be expected to leave him behind? Especially when the chances were so high that he might--

 

Yet again, Zelos banished the thought from his mind. He had made it this far. The thought of Lloyd  _ not _ being okay was one he refused to consider, regardless of what the doctor said. 

 

“He’ll hardly be alone. You do know I’m the best there is, don’t you?” The doctor smirked, but it seemed forced. “If anything happens, I’ll send a messenger to let you know immediately. Go stay at the inn for a while. The last thing I need is for you to collapse from exhaustion and get brought in here yourself.”

 

“...Fine.” It was the hardest thing Zelos had ever agreed to do. All he wanted was to stay by Lloyd’s side, to confirm for himself that things were going to be okay. But as much as he hated to admit it, the doctor had a point. Zelos had done everything he could. It was out of his hands now. 

 

All he could do was wait.

 

Zelos brushed his hand against Lloyd’s sweaty forehead. “Don’t you dare die on me, Bud,” he said one last time, before turning and leaving the clinic behind.

 


	5. Chapter 4

Despite his exhaustion, Zelos refused to let himself sleep. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able to. When was the last time he had slept without Lloyd in the same room? Nevertheless, he decided to get himself a room, just to get himself out of the bitter cold. He needed to change clothes, too-- the thought of walking around stained in Lloyd's blood made him want to vomit.

Time seemed to move even more slowly than it had in the cave. Every minute that passed only served to fuel Zelos's anxiety. In a sense, he knew that no news was good news for those first few hours-- the doctor may have been skilled, but he wasn’t a miracle worker. He wouldn't be able to heal such extensive injuries in such a short time frame. Zelos knew this, but he still longed to hear a knock on his door. All he wanted was to return to his friend's side, to make sure he didn't have to suffer alone.

Zelos knew what that felt like. He wouldn't wish it on anyone, let alone Lloyd.

“Damn it!” after hours of sitting in silence, something inside Zelos snapped, and he slammed the mug of coffee he had been drinking down on the table. Some of the liquid sloshed over the sides, but it had long since gone cold, so Zelos didn't feel it at all. He didn't feel anything, except that burning feeling of anger and helplessness deep in his chest. He gritted his teeth, doing his best to suppress the negative emotions threatening to overwhelm him, but it wasn't enough. All he could think of was how far gone Lloyd had looked lying on that bed. Even if he had been able to sleep, he knew that image would only haunt his nightmares.

Still, he refused to let himself consider the possibility of receiving bad news. He couldn't help but smile bitterly. That optimistic way of thinking was, without a doubt, a result of spending so much time with Lloyd. His positivity and absolute faith in the people around him was Zelos's favorite quality in the boy, the one that had won him over back during their initial journey. Even when he had betrayed Lloyd, that trust had never wavered, and sometimes Zelos wondered if that was what saved him back then.

He had nightmares, sometimes, where things went differently that day, at the Tower of Salvation. Dreams where Lloyd hadn't trusted him, and where he made different choices as a result. He had never once told Lloyd about these dreams, even when he woke up in a cold sweat in the dead of the night. Even if Lloyd happened to see him, he would lie, telling him it had been a dream about his mother. He had those often enough as well, so it wasn’t hard to believe. And every time, Lloyd would smile at him without asking any questions, and stay with him until he calmed down. Zelos had never felt as safe as he did when the two of them were alone together.

He would have given anything to be comforted like that right now.

Even if that was a selfish thought-- Lloyd was the one in the most pain right now, he kept reminding himself-- he couldn’t help it. Thanks to Lloyd, Zelos had nearly forgotten how much it hurt to suffer alone. 

And now he had left Lloyd alone as well, right when he needed Zelos the most. He couldn’t do for Lloyd what Lloyd had done for him. And in a way, that was what hurt Zelos more than anything else. Even if he refused to entertain the thought, there was a very real possibility that he would never have the chance to let Lloyd know how grateful he really was, to say nothing of trying to pay him back. In the end, he really was a selfish traitor, leaving his best friend behind at such a critical moment. It made Zelos’s stomach turn. 

And then. Just as Zelos was ready to give up on waiting, to storm back into that doctor’s office and demand to stay by Lloyd’s side while he was being treated, he heard the faintest of knocks on his door. It took him a moment to process what that sound meant, but as soon as he realized it, he bolted from his chair and rushed for the door. His hands were shaking so violently that it took him a moment to grasp the doorknob, but after fumbling with it he managed to pull the door open. Standing before him was a young boy, no older than 10. “You’re the Chosen, right?” the boy asked. “The doc sent me to come get you. He said it was important.” Zelos searched his eyes for any hint of what that important message could be, but found nothing-- the boy probably hadn’t been told anything about Lloyd’s condition.

Zelos didn’t answer the boy. He simply waited for him to move aside, and then ran, faster than he ever had in his life, towards the clinic. He had no idea what answer awaited him there, but at that moment, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted, no, needed to see Lloyd. Even if he was already…

Zelos shook his head. They had made it this far. He had to trust in Lloyd to return to him, just as Lloyd had trusted in him. Standing in front of the door to the clinic, Zelos drew in a deep (if shaking) breath before pushing it open.

The doctor was standing in the entrance. Clearly, he had been waiting for Zelos to arrive. As much as Zelos tried, he couldn’t read the complex expression on his face. He swallowed, trying to keep himself as calm as possible.

“Chosen,” the doctor said, after a moment of silence. “Come in. I need to talk to you about your friend.” 

Zelos nodded, and asked the only question on his mind. “He’s… Lloyd’s going to be okay, right? You were able to save him?” The doctor’s expression didn’t change at all. 

“Why don’t you come to the back and have a seat. This isn’t going to be an easy conversation.”


	6. Chapter 5

Zelos’s blood ran as cold as ice. Any hopes of coming back to good news were growing smaller by the second. Everything seemed far away as the doctor led him to the back room in complete silence. He heard the click of the door being shut behind them, and immediately his eyes fell onto the figure lying motionless on the bed. The doctor gestured to a chair that had been pulled up next to the bed, and Zelos wordlessly took a seat. 

The first thing he noticed was that Lloyd’s chest, however softly, was still rising and falling. However, that was the only reassuring part of his appearance. A thick white blanket was pulled up to his chin, blocking Zelos’s view of his injuries, but he noticed that his red jacket and black tank top had been removed and folded up next to the bed, probably so his abdomen and chest could be bandaged like his arms, which laid limply at his sides. His expression didn’t seem quite as pained as it had earlier, but his face was completely blank, which almost scared Zelos more. His skin had turned a pale, sickly color, but the flush of a fever was still evident in his cheeks. If he hadn’t been breathing, it would have been impossible to tell he was still alive at all. Without thinking, Zelos took one of Lloyd’s hands in his own. He nearly did a double take at how cold it was. Without looking up, he spoke.

“Just tell me. What’s going to happen to him?” Zelos couldn’t control how much his voice was shaking. The doctor took a deep breath before responding.

“Well, as you can see, he’s still alive for the moment. But I’ll be completely frank with you-- whether he stays that way or not is out of my hands at this point.”

“...What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Zelos said, his voice low. “You’re a doctor, right? Isn’t it your job to figure out how to help him?”

“Yes, but even for me, there’s a limit to what I can do. I was able to stop the bleeding, which was a task in itself. As long as we continue to keep a close eye on them, his injuries should eventually heal.” He sighed. “The problem lies with his fever, as well as its cause. I ran a test on his blood, and while I was able to confirm the presence of a toxin, it’s… well, it’s nothing I’ve ever seen before, in all my years of being a doctor.”

“So you don’t know how to fix it.” The words came out as a statement, not a question.

“I’ve already tried all the normal methods. Panacea bottles, recovery spells, you name it. Nothing has had even the slightest effect on him. Even my normal healing spells were less effective than usual.”

Zelos nodded. “I tried healing him before bringing him in, but he wasn’t getting better at all. Are you saying that’s because of the poison?”

“It’s only a theory, but yes, that’s the conclusion I’ve come to as well. My assumption is that the toxin targets the victim’s mana, which would throw off nearly every system in their body. This would be damaging enough to someone who was completely healthy, but combined with the severity of his injuries, it could very easily prove to be fatal.” 

Zelos’s mouth felt dry. The thought that he had been trying to repress all night was finally coming to the forefront of his mind. “He’s… going to die, then,” he said. Surprisingly, he didn’t feel angry, or even sad. He was just… numb. He had known from the moment he saw Lloyd fall to the ground that things could end this way. Maybe deep in his heart, he had already come to accept it as fact. 

“It is likely, I’ll admit that much. As long as he isn’t responding to spells or medicine, there is a limit to what I can do. But frankly, the fact that he even made it to my office is impressive, and eventually, the toxin will break down. It’s just a matter of keeping him alive until that happens.” Zelos was too focused on Lloyd to see it, but the doctor smiled just a bit. “I wouldn’t give up just yet. He certainly hasn’t.”

For the first time in hours, Zelos found himself smiling as well- a small, weak smile, but a smile nonetheless. “This guy is the toughest person I know,” he said after a moment, giving Lloyd’s hand a squeeze. “What was it again? ‘Stubborn, simple minded, and tough as nails?’ There’s no way he would give up without a fight.” He paused. “And I’m not gonna, either.”

And with that, Zelos decided. Until Lloyd woke up, until he was well enough to continue on their journey, Zelos wouldn’t leave his side once. No matter how painful things got, or how terrified he was, he wasn’t going to run away. Lloyd had taught him to face his troubles head on, and that was exactly what he was going to do.

“It’s fine if I stay here for a while, right?” he asked. “If all we can do is wait, I would really rather wait with him.” The doctor nodded.

“I do have other patients to attend to, so I’ll leave him in your hands.” His smile faded. “That said, if anything changes, good or bad, I need to know immediately. We have no idea what we’re up against here. It could be a day before the toxin leaves his body, or it could be several weeks. If you’re going to stay with him, you need to be prepared for that.” Zelos nodded without hesitation. Those few hours he had spent alone at the inn had been some of the longest he had ever faced. The thought of leaving Lloyd behind was one that didn’t even cross his mind for a moment.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally 2 chapters, but one was so short that I just combined them together, making this the longest chapter in the fic. It's also possibly my favorite? Enjoy!

After the doctor explained to Zelos what he should do to keep Lloyd comfortable, he left to meet with his next patient, leaving the two swordsmen alone. Zelos grabbed a spare rag and filled a bowl with cold water. The first thing he needed to try to do was help control Lloyd’s fever, just like he had in the cave. It would be easier, he reasoned, now that he didn’t have to contend with the cold weather or such cramped conditions. The moment the wet rag made contact with Lloyd’s face, the boy flinched with a nearly inaudible groan. After a moment, though, he seemed to accept the cool feeling, and pushed his head ever so slightly into the rag. Zelos couldn’t help but smile a little at this. Even if it was an instinctual reaction, it meant that Lloyd was still in there, somewhere. 

“Wow, bud,” he murmured, continuing to move the cloth with one hand and hold Lloyd’s hand with the other. “I didn’t think it was possible for you to be hotter than me. Way to prove me wrong.” He could imagine the look that Lloyd would have given him for that comment, which was a bittersweet feeling. “It's no fun teasing you if you don't respond, y'know,” he added. Sighing, he put the rag aside, and bent over to rest his forehead against their intertwined hands. “I'm doing my best to keep things positive, but you're making it kinda hard.” 

He stayed like that for a while, talking about nothing in particular and occasionally wiping the sweat from Lloyd's brow. He was growing more and more exhausted as time went on, but every time he felt his eyelids start to close, he would force himself awake. He had gone through around 3 cups of coffee that night, and while it was a good temporary solution, he knew it wouldn't last forever. At the very least, though, he needed to make sure it lasted until Lloyd was more stable. Every once in a while he would let out a small moan or shift uncomfortably in his sleep, but those were the only signs of life he showed throughout the night. He wondered if that brief flash of consciousness back in the cave had been anything more than a hallucination, a manifestation of his stress. He didn't want to believe that, though.

It wasn't until several hours had passed that the doctor made another appearance. “I'm going to assume that no news is good news,” he said as he entered the room. Zelos nodded, stifling a yawn.

“I don't think he's gotten any better, but nothing seems worse, either.” Although, Zelos thought, how much worse could it possibly get, outside of him dying outright? He didn't want to think too hard about it. Seemingly deep in thought, the doctor nodded his head. 

“I see you two are fairly close.”

“...Huh?” Zelos blinked. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting the man to say, but it certainly hadn't been that. “Why do you--” The doctor said nothing, only staring directly at Zelos's hand, still loosely grasping Lloyd's. Zelos looked down, and he laughed nervously. “Oh… yeah, I didn't even notice, but I guess you're right?” 

Although he tried to play it off, the words had struck Zelos through the chest, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. It wasn't as though the doctor was wrong-- Zelos couldn't think of another person in the world that he would rather spend his days with than Lloyd. “...He’s my best friend,” he said quietly, in a far more serious tone. “I don't know if that's what he thinks of me, but that's how I feel about him.”

The doctor nodded, and pulled a chair to the opposite side of the bed from where Zelos was sitting. “I'll leave the patients outside to my assistant for the time being. The line is fairly short right now. And to be completely honest, you look like you need a break.”

“I'm completely fine,” Zelos said quickly. “I can keep looking after him.” 

“I'm not saying you have to leave again. But as a doctor, I can't have you collapsing. I believe I've already told you this, Chosen.”

“I'm not going to collapse!” Zelos looked down at his hand in Lloyd's. “I can't,” he continued, much more quietly. “He would… he would do the same for me. He has done the same for me.”

“Really.” The doctor sighed, and sunk further into his chair. He wasn't going to be leaving any time soon. “You know, there are all sorts of stories about the two of you, but with so many people spreading them, it can be hard to separate fact from fiction. And we didn't exactly have time to chat like this the last time we met.” For the first time since their arrival at the clinic, the doctor smiled, just a bit. “Just who is Lloyd Irving, really?”

“Lloyd is…” for once, Zelos had no idea what to say. Where was he even supposed to begin? How could he possibly describe someone like Lloyd, who had changed his life so thoroughly for the better? He smiled softly. “He's an idiot, but he's got the biggest heart of anyone you'll ever meet. And it doesn't matter what anyone tells him, he won't take no for an answer.” Zelos squeezed Lloyd's hand as he continued. “There was one time, not long after we set off to find exspheres. I came down with one of the nastiest colds I've ever had. He had a meeting with a high ranking official that day, but even after I told him to go, he wouldn't do it. He said no one should have to be alone when they're sick, or something like that, and that he wasn't going anywhere until I was back on my feet. He stayed up with me that whole night, making sure I was warm enough, drinking water, the works.” Zelos smiled for a moment at the memory, but it quickly faded. “He does so much for the people he cares about, and never asks for anything in return. That's just the kind of guy he is. And that's…” he swallowed. “That's why I can't leave him, even for a minute. This might be the last chance I have to do something for him.” His voice cracked, though he refused to let himself cry. He had to be stronger than that. “I was the one who should have taken that hit last night,” he finished quietly. "I wish I had."

The doctor said nothing as Zelos spoke, only nodding on occasion. He had said so much, but Zelos didn't feel like he had even scratched the surface. Even for someone so used to talking, putting what he felt into words was an impossible task. 

As soon as Zelos was finished, the doctor finally responded. “You love him.”

Zelos laughed nervously. “...What?” 

“I could tell the moment you two walked in last night. I'm no psychologist, but I know how to read people well enough.”

“Love…?” Zelos was speechless. That wasn't right. That couldn't be right. “As a friend, sure. He's my bud.” Zelos Wilder knew what love was. Take a beautiful woman home, show her a good time, let her cling to you a bit until she's ready to move on. That was what love was all about. It wasn't something that lasted forever, and it wasn't this strong. Every noble he knew was proof enough of that. He couldn't think of a single non-political or financially motivated marriage that had lasted more than a couple of years. And besides, he reasoned, Lloyd wasn't even a woman. If what he was feeling was love, then it would go against everything Zelos knew about romance. Lloyd was his best friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Right?

“Well, if that's what you believe, then I suppose that's fine. But that's enough of that. You can stay there, but I really will have to ask you to get some sleep. If anything happens, I'll wake you up straight away.” The doctor's expression softened just a bit. “I'm sure Lloyd wouldn't want to see you ruin your health, either.” Zelos opened his mouth to protest again, but eventually closed it. As much as he hated to admit it, the doctor did have a point.

“Wake me up the second anything happens,” he said, finally relenting. Now that he was really thinking about it, he was tired. He had been through a lot over the past day or two. Besides, Lloyd seemed to be doing… well, maybe not better, but it seemed unlikely that things would change much in the next hour or two. With a sigh, he folded his arms on the bed and laid his head down onto them. Without letting go of Lloyd's hand, he closed his eyes, and was asleep in mere moments.

______________

That night, Zelos had a dream. It began as a dream that he had seen all too many times before. 

“Mother, Mother, come look! I made you a snowman!”

No.

“Hmmm. It's nice, but it's missing something.”

Don't come any closer.

“What's that, Mother?”

Run away.

“Here, I'll show you.” 

Run away…!

Pure white was quickly overrun with pure red. Zelos reached out. He knew what was coming next. He knew what his mother was going to tell him, how she was going to look at him. He closed his eyes, bracing himself, but the voice that followed didn't belong to Mylene at all.

“Zelos… you traitor.” 

No.

“I trusted you.”

Nonono.

“I trusted you, so why?” 

I'm sorry.

“Why did you let me die?”

I'm so sorry.

 

________________

Zelos awoke with a jolt. He was covered in sweat, and his breathing was erratic. That hadn't been his normal nightmare at all. It was so much worse. Zelos felt like he was going to vomit. His heart raced and his stomach churned as he attempted to catch his breath. Lloyd was dead. Lloyd was dead, and it was all his fault. He hadn't been able to protect anyone. He--

“...los…” 

A single syllable, barely audible, was enough to snap Zelos out of his trance. He hadn't just heard that. No, he was still dreaming, he had to be. After all, Lloyd was already--

“Zelos…”

Finally, reluctantly, Zelos forced himself to look up. 

“Lloyd…?”

It had to have been a mistake. He was still half asleep, wasn't he? Zelos rose quickly from his chair, knocking it over to the side in the process. He grabbed Lloyd's hand with both of his own, and shouted.

“Lloyd! You can hear me, can't you? Lloyd!!”

He got no response.

“...Lloyd?” He tried again, over and over, waiting to hear him say something, anything.

Finally, a different voice arose from behind him. “He's been talking in his sleep occasionally for the past hour or so, but I haven't been able to find any other signs of consciousness.” The doctor paused. “He's mostly been calling out for you, you know.” For the first time since he woke up, Zelos took a long look at Lloyd's face. His eyes were still closed, but he looked like he was in much more pain. Tentatively, Zelos brushed his hand against Lloyd's forehead. Was it his imagination, or had he gotten even warmer?

“I told you to wake me up if he got any worse,” Zelos said, anger seeping through his words. “He wasn't this bad off when I fell asleep, was he?”

“I did attempt to wake you up, for what it's worth. But you seemed to be having a nightmare, and nothing I said seemed to be getting through to you.” The doctor sighed, and replaced the wet cloth on Lloyd's forehead. “I noticed that his fever was spiking around 10 minutes ago. I've tried giving him some more medication, but even if it does take effect, it's going to take some time.”

Zelos swallowed, his anxiety only making him feel sicker. “And if it doesn't kick in?” He wasn't sure why he bothered asking. He already knew what the answer was going to be.

“Then there's nothing else I can do.” 

Silently, Zelos picked his chair up and sat back down. Everything hurt. His head, his stomach, his chest, everything. And everything only hurt more when he realized that, compared to what Lloyd was going through, his pain was downright trivial. Resting his elbows on the bed, he buried his head in his hands, his long hair covering his face. He had long since discarded his gloves and his headband, and he hadn’t brushed his hair while he was at the inn, so it must have looked terrible. On any other occasion, this would have been a major concern to Zelos, but right now? His appearance was the furthest thing from his mind. He would have cut all of his beloved hair off if, somehow, it would bring Lloyd back. He didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything else but his best friend, dying a slow and painful death in front of him. All he wanted was to pick the boy up and embrace him, to make sure he knew that he wasn’t alone.

“Lloyd,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Lloyd, you’ve gotta wake up. I-I know it’s hard, but please.” Zelos hated how childish and weak he sounded at that moment, but once the words started flowing out, they refused to stop. “I finally got to meet someone like you, do you know how much that meant to me? To have someone who thought I should keep living? How am I supposed to keep going without you there next to me?” Steadily, his voice was growing louder. “You said you refused to vanish, didn’t you? Was that just a lie? Don’t disappoint me like that, Lloyd!” 

All at once, the tears Zelos had been holding back since carrying Lloyd to shelter forced their way out. Zelos wasn’t the crying type. He wasn’t even sure he had cried at his own mother’s funeral. But right now? It was all he could do. He cried and grabbed onto Lloyd’s hand for dear life, as though it was the only thing still binding him to this world. He didn’t care that the doctor was still watching him as he lost control. For a few minutes, he didn’t say another word, and only his sobs filled the room. But as he cried, he realized something. It was something he knew he had been denying for a long time, something that everyone seemed to have realized but him. Slowly, he looked up at the doctor, tear-stained eyes wide with wonder.

“I-I love him.” He wasn’t sure who exactly he was talking to anymore, but once he felt it, he had to say it aloud. “I love him,” he repeated, this time with more certainty. “I love him so much.” It was both the easiest and the most difficult thing he had ever said. Of course he loved Lloyd. Looking back on it, he wasn’t sure how he hadn’t realized it sooner. All those years of romancing different women and sleeping around to pass the time-- hadn’t he only been pretending that was love? Hadn’t it all been a huge charade from the beginning, one he hadn’t felt the need to keep up after meeting Lloyd? 

Why did he have to realize it only now, when he was about to lose the boy forever?

“I’m so sorry.” He wasn’t sure whether he was apologizing to Lloyd or to himself. For all he knew, it was both. Zelos drew closer to Lloyd, burying his face into the boy’s chest. Over and over again he apologized, until his words were no longer possible to understand. Lloyd’s breath and skin were burning hot against his own, but Zelos didn’t seem to notice anymore. He didn’t notice anything. 

That is, until Lloyd weakly wrapped his fingers around Zelos’s own, causing Zelos to jolt up and see his blurry eyes opening just a crack.

“...Lloyd?”

Zelos was hallucinating. He had to be. The boy had been so close to death, there was no way he was opening his eyes now of all times. It didn’t make any sense at all. It was so cliche it made him want to scream. And yet.

“Zel…” The voice was slurred and much quieter than usual, but it was unmistakably Lloyd’s. And the smile that tugged at Lloyd’s lips, though strained, was as gentle and inviting as the real thing. Zelos glanced up at the doctor, as though to confirm that what he was seeing was, in fact, real. The stunned look on his face was enough to give Zelos his answer. Lloyd… really was awake. His fever hadn’t gone down a single degree, his injuries hadn’t magically healed, and the toxin inside his body was likely still just as active as it was before. Zelos wasn’t even sure how aware of his surroundings Lloyd really was. But it was the first sign of anything resembling awareness that he had shown in over a day. 

“You can hear me, right, Lloyd?” Zelos pushed further. “You don’t have to say anything, just, let me know you can hear me.” The grip on his hand tightened the smallest amount the moment he finished speaking. Slowly but surely, Lloyd gave a small nod of his head. It was the only answer Zelos needed. There was so much that he wanted to say, so much he felt like he needed to tell the boy he loved while he knew he still could. But suddenly, all the words that had been pouring out only moments earlier were caught in his throat. What could he possibly say at a time like this? Should he be reassuring? Should he try and convey just how much he wanted, no, needed Lloyd to recover?

Should he tell him he loved him?

In the end, Zelos didn’t tell Lloyd anything. At least, not in words. Without a second’s hesitation, Zelos drew his lips to Lloyd’s. It wasn’t his first kiss by any stretch, but it was by far the softest he had ever experienced. There was no lust behind it at all, just the need to convey to his most important person how loved he really was. He wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted, but he could have stayed in that position forever and it wouldn’t have been enough.   
Eventually, though, he needed to come up for air, and he knew Lloyd did too. So he pulled apart just enough to give them room to breathe, then rested his forehead against the other boy’s much warmer one. Zelos half expected to see revulsion in Lloyd’s eyes. For a moment, he wondered if he had really done the right thing. He had no idea what Lloyd thought of him, if he thought of him as anything other than a friend. For all he knew, this kiss could have taken even that status away from him. He had crossed a line that two friends should never cross, all while the other boy was barely conscious. Any normal person would be disgusted with him. 

Of course, Zelos had forgotten that Lloyd wasn’t exactly a normal person.

The smile hadn’t disappeared from Lloyd’s face at all. If anything, it had only grown more affectionate. Lloyd was far too weak to say it aloud, but his eyes told Zelos everything he needed to know. He wasn’t angry, not in the slightest. If anything, his expression was one of relief. Zelos felt the tears starting to well up again, and he finally pulled away to wipe at his eyes. In those few seconds, Lloyd’s eyes closed yet again, and he slipped back into unconsciousness. Though he knew rationally that he needed to stay awake and make sure Lloyd was okay, the exhaustion Zelos felt from crying quickly caught up with him, and soon enough he had drifted off into a light, restless sleep as well.


End file.
